Affrontery...

Being offered money for sex is not flattering. I thought it would be, but strangely not. The indecent proposal in question occurred on Saturday night. I mean, do I look the type of person that would accept payment for sex? Not payment in the form of cash, anyway. Drinks, meals, trips abroad- yes. Cash, no. Besides, the person in question wasn't really my type...

Currently listening to: Kissing The Lipless by The Shins

On Friday, Max, Alex, James, Kammy, Sophia, Paul and Sophia came around for a big night in. We ate, drink and made merry. Oh, how we made merry. The only thing that would have made us merrier is a whore or two.

I've realised Green Wing is based on my life. Of course, the producers have set it in a hospital, but otherwise, it's autobiographical. Weird. AND I'm not getting any royalties. Fuckers.

"Titration" and 'nebulised' are words that do not belong in a song. Tell me the song and I will allow you to buy me dinner.

Now listening to: Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine (thank you, Annie).
I've been listening to it and Nancy Boy all weekend.

Time after time...

The weeks seem to fly by. Sadly, the weekends fly by even faster.

On Monday, I did something, I just can't remember what.

On Tuesday, I went to a slam-poetry reading thing at QI Bar. It was very preachy and wet. Poems about the awfulness of war, crime and poverty and poems about love are deeply boring. I resent being told I should feel guilty about the war, crime and poverty (not my fault. Really.) and I resent being forced to listen to teen love angst. Please, just fu ck off. I went with Annie who attracts strange men. This time it was Alessandro the hairdresser, his attractive fellow Italian mate and some common girl from Wheatley. Alessandro keeps trying to get me to come in for a haircut. "I charge you only £27.50". He can shove his scissors up his ass for nothing and fu ck off whilst doing it. I cut my own hair on Sunday and I'm very pleased. A pair of scissors (I used the ones I use to trim my nasal hair), clippers and a mirror are all you need. I'm sure it looks better now than it would have done had I shelled out £27.50. £27.50 is a lot of Happy Hour cocktails, I don't mind telling you...

On Wednesday, I went to a conference in Reading. I had an argument with some bint about institutional racism. I said it didn't exist and she said it did. Apparently, her husband applied for a job and didn't get it and it must be because he is black, innit? Fu cking bitch. She then went on about how racist Oxford is and how 'they' like to keep 'non-whites' out. Fu cking bitch. Anyway, upon my return to Oxford, I went to the gym, had dinner at Magdalen with Max, Sophia (who gets more neurotic by the day), and James.

On Thursday I had lunch at Magdalen with Big Straight Phil's less straight brother. It was better for him than for me. Apparently, he's missing a toenail. Not good. Especially if you have a foot-fetish like I do. Do I have a foot-fetish? Maybe, maybe...That evening, I went to a photographic exhibit at a small gallery in Oxford. There was a series of photographs of people who work in the retail park in Botley Road. It was very depressing and made me grateful I stayed in school. School's cool. Yeah. Now you say it...
Met some students from the Ruskin School of Fine Art and chatted to them about art. It was interesting and not even remotely pretentious. And you KNOW how pretentious arty students can be. As I was leaving, some chav asked me what I thought of the photographs. He was from Ruskin as well and was very pleasant in a chav kind of way. Anyway, turns out he had an inch wide marble up his ass and wanted to know if I had any idea how to remove it. I suggested laxatives and he said that's what the nice woman on the NHS Direct Helpline suggested. We had a drink and it was interesting. Very interesting (email me for details).

This evening, Max, Sophia, James, Paul, Kammy, Alex and maybe Chris are coming around for drinks and trash television. Off to London tomorrow evening for a night of strutting my stuff at Wig Out.

I've taken up running on a treadmill. I think it's working.


I've also had Nancy Boy by Placebo on repeat all day. I think I might be a Nancy Boy but I'm not sure.

Try your luck...

Around half of all Americans believe in astrology, and 72% believe in angels. Belief in 'good luck' and ways of ensuring it, extend to the superintelligent. The Nobel prizewinning physicist Niels Bohr kept a horseshoe nailed to the wall above his desk and, when asked whether he believed it would bring him luck, replied: “Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you luck whether you believe in it or not.”

I believe in the power of porn. Does that count?

Currently listening to: Crush With Eyeliner by R.E.M.

Men are so fickle.

Phil came through on his birthday. I knew he would. I have absolute and complete faith in Phil's dinner booking abilities. It was magic. Pure magic.

Went to a conference last week at the British Academy. Good fun, but as I expected, everyone was very earnest and anti-Oxbridge. Well, they can all fuck off. They all wanted to know why the University of Wolverhampton does so much more for refugee academics than Oxford. I told them it's probably because no one wants to go to the University of Wolverhampton and they need refugee academics to fill vacant posts whereas Oxford has no shortage of people wanting to work here. Fools.

Currently into The Spinto Band in a big way. A BIG WAY.

There isn't a lot of good stuff on television these days but I could watch the Ask.com advert for hours and hours. The song in the advert is called Such Great Heights by Postal Service but I'm not sure who does the acoustic version used in the advert.
The tagline is "if you don't ask, you don't get". How true. I'd still be virginal, if it wasn't for those desperate, intoxicated acquaintances and strangers.

Now listening to: Our New Home by The Boxer Program

Alexandra again made me a lovely supper last night (and last Friday but that one wasn't very good). We had chocolate fondue for pudding with chunks of banana and strawberries for dunking. I almost shot my load. It was just the two of us last night. Us and some soft porn on Sky TV. We tried to watch it without giggling but we couldn't. How does ANYONE watch heaving, wobbly, vacuous women spanking themselves and dry humping matresses without laughing out loud?

iPods are amazing but the constant need for recharging is deeply tedious. Why oh why can't the good people at Apple sort it out? The battery in mine only seems to last 4 hours.

On Sunday, I met up with Annie for coffee, then cocktails then dinner and an Agatha Christie, Poirot (Belgian not French) mystery (Cards On The Table). I LOVE Agatha Christie. I'm such an old woman. Anyway, it was one with Ariadne Oliver who is one of my favourite characters but they had Zoe Wannamaker playing her. I like Zoe but the role required someone a bit fatter.

Now listening to: Blue Prints by The Dust Jackets

Another conference tomorrow, this time in Reading. What a shithole.

Strange but true...

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back
I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit."



Currently listening to: Radiation by Exit 51

Deja Vu...

This whole wheat-free lark is amazing. I feel much better and strangely feel quite energetic. Off to the gym after work then jazz at the City Tavern.


So far today, I've consumed:

1 bowl of porridge
1 banana
3 dates
a slab of nut roast with tomato sauce (courtesy of Lincoln College)
2 scoops of mashed potatoes (courtesy of Lincoln College)
1 thing of peas and carrots (courtesy of Lincoln College)
1 bowl of exceedingly good fruit salad (courtesy of Lincoln College)
2 litres of water
2 cups of coffee
1 cut of tea
And some of what I found whilst picking my nose.

NB. One of those is a lie.

Currently listening to Nancy Boy by Placebo.

The twat who works in my office is so fucking Christian and not in a good way.

What is the point of rugby players if they wear clothes that leave everything to the imagination?

Saw Mandelay last night at the Business School. Better than Dogville but not much.

Now listening to: Untouchable by Rialto.

jetzt mach ich dich so richtig scharf

Headed down to Rose Lane with Alexandra today to catch James, Max, Richard and Chris in action for Teddy Hall Relays. People do not look attractive when they run. No they don't. Was good fun. We cheered and clapped and generally made a lot of noise when they came by. Not sure how they did though.

Currently listening to: Don't Need a Reason by Beth Orton. Very good and highly underrated. Actually writes and sings her own songs. What a novel idea.

Max sent me this the other day: http://www.readitswapit.co.uk/ . A good idea, I must say as I'm in favour of whatever gets people reading more but sadly, not for me. I like to hang on to books. The thought of giving them away frightens me. Books are like old friends. You want to keep them. Dip into them from time to time. And you can only do that if they're actually there, on a shelf, within reach.

Have I mentioned that Phil failed to book dinner at Green on Friday? No? Well, let me do it now. Phil failed to book dinner at Green on Friday.

The earphones that came with my iPod are shit. The left one never stays in. I need to find a suitable replacement. Thoughts?

Also, have a look at http://www.thestateoftheart.co.uk/ and buy something.

Now listening to: Baby One More Time by Travis. So much better than the other version.

Facebook is taking over my life.

Estate agents...

Best quote ever:

"I didn't really notice him. He was an estate agent...measures things and wears ill fitting suits.".

How scathing. I wish I'd said it first.

Voyeurism...

Teenage Fanclub is good, no?

Oxford is cold and miserable today. It's been raining all day and my thighs are wet from cycling in the rain. Ordinarily, I wouldn't object to wet thighs, but I'd rather the cause of the wetness was more pleasant and titillating.

I had a deeply tedious meeting this morning with some very provincial people. All very sweet and earnest but ever so simple. They were amazed by the venue, amazed by the view, amazed by the coffee and biscuits, amazed by lunch...sweet but oh so annoying. At what kind of place do these people work? I was so touched I offered to host the next meeting. I've booked a room in the Ashmolean Museum. They'll cream themselves. They'll fucking cream themselves. Sadly, they are terribly unattractive and I am the youngest by about 10 years so no chance of sex.

The high point of the meeting was discreetly staring at the Secretary. She looked like Catriona from Absolutely Fabulous.

The other high point of my day, has been watching the naked people in the flats opposite my office. They are always there, in various states of undress. Not unattractive so I'm not complaining or anything. They must be exhibitionists as they can't not see me staring at them from my desk.

So far today, I've eaten:

1 bowl of porridge
1 banana
2 satsumas
8 crisps (ready salted)
1 cup of coffee (organic and fair-trade, actually)
2 cups of tea (organic and fair-trade, actually)
1 cup of licorice and fennel tea (organic and fair-trade, actually)
I am so hungry it's unbelievable. Dinner at Magdalen this evening where, I hope, the food will be good and plentiful (it usually is).

Currently listening to Wrecking Ball by Viva Voce

BSP (Big Straight Phil) failed, but FAILED, to book us in for black tie dinner at Green College, Oxford (the last such dinner this term, I might add). I am barely coping with this crushing blow. On a brighter note though, Rory is coming up for cocktails at The Duke of Cambridge on Friday and Phil is joining us.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the Said Business School to watch 'Mandelay', the last Lars von Triers film with Alexandra, Max and several other reprobates.

Now listening to: Freak Like Me by Sugababes

Damn...naked man has put some clothes on.

I've booked my flight to Toronto in April. Even though I'm going for 8 days, I'm only using 3 days oh holiday. I LOVE the extended University closure periods.

Housman & Hunger...

I'm going through an Housman phase. Again...it happens every spring. Not sure why though...

Because I liked you better
Than suits a man to say,
It irked you, and I promised
To throw the thought away.

To put the world between us
We parted, stiff and dry;
`Good-bye,' said you, `forget me.'
`I will, no fear', said I.

If here, where clover whitens
The dead man's knoll, you pass,
And no tall flower to meet you
Starts in the trefoiled grass,

Halt by the headstone naming
The heart no longer stirred,
And say the lad that loved you
Was one that kept his word.

Currently listening to the Japanese national anthem. Not the words, just the music. Limewire is incredible.

Quotes I've read/heard recently that speak to me:

" I drink to make other people more interesting"
"You will pay for your excessive charm"
"She does everything. And very quickly"
"Why do you want to get married? Marriage just splits people up"
"I get knocked down but I get up again, nothing's gonna keep me down"
"What a stupid gay"
"Early to bed and early to rise might make a man healthy, wealthy and wise but it don't make him cool, it don't make him fun, it makes him a little bit lazy, a little bit crazy, a little bit boring..."


So far today, I've consumed:

2 fried eggs courtesy of Magdalen College
A ladle of baked beans courtesy of Magdalen College
2 tinned tomatoes courtesy of Magdalen College
A bowl of porridge courtesy of Magdalen College
1 apple Mueller Rice courtesy of Magdalen College
1 cup of coffee courtesy of Magdalen College
2 dates
2 tablespoons of psyllium husk
3 litres of water
1 cup of vanilla Earl Gray tea
1 cup of Marigold Vegetable bouillon
1 cantaloupe (over-ripe)
2 Nairn's Rough Oat biscuits

I am starving. STARVING.
I've given up wheat for lent and I'm chronically hungry as a result. Like 'Dr' Gillian McKeith. Only I look good.

Now listening to: Killin' Time by the Matt Lewis Band

Babes in toyland...

Blair can keep his babes. Mine are like, wwwwaaayyyy better.

Babe #1: On Wednesday, I dragged Sophia to the Imposition of Ashes service for Ash Wednesday at Magdalen. She is just so sweet. She wanted to know if she could take a cup of coffee with her. I'm surprised she didn't rock up in pyjamas. Moron. They take just anyone at Harvard, clearly. Anyway, the choir was singing Allegri's Miserere Mei which is commonly described as one of the most beautiful pieces of Christian sacred music and I'm inclined to agree. Sadly, the choir didn't do it justice. I should have gone to Exeter instead. The choristers at Magdalen, whilst very good don't do Miserere Mei justice. It requires a richer female voice. The service was quite long but it was very good and Sophia enjoyed it, I think. She managed to stay awake for the whole thing which is a miracle in itself.

Currently listening to: Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder.

Babe #2: Alexandra is all wrong. She's a bunch of contradictions and it's f ucked up. But in a good way. Coffee with Alex is never just coffee. It somehow morphs into drinks then dinner then long drunked chats about love, life and men. And we sometimes talk about her too. One such evening was on Monday. She rang up in a tizzy saying "I haven't been able to sleep for 2 days so I took a tranquilizer. Maybe several." Good grief. Anyway, we met up for coffee. I was desperately hungover and she was drugged up. Needless to say, our conversation was bizarre. Lots of people sitting near us seemed to be enjoying it, though. That is until we were asked to leave. Alex is also into erotic literature in French (who isn't?). How hot is that?

Now listening to: Northern Birds by Amateur Transplants

Babe #3: Annie, Annie, Annie...with her penchant for dragon flies, cocktails and jazz, I can barely keep up. I managed to catch up with her at jazz at the City Tavern last night though. It was magical. The band was really good and there were several attractive people in attendance, both playing and spectating. Over whiskey, we discussed our love lives. We still go for the same type (indie/skater boys and clever jocks. I think Annie's Oriel friend JT might fall into that category...). Anyway, Annie can put away any number of cocktails but she never seems to get drunk. Tipsy, yes, but never drunk. I don't know how she does it. Perhaps she has an big liver? Afterall, everything is big in Texas...

Now listening to: For What It's Worth by Sergio Mendes

This evening (Friday) I am heading to The Middle Temple for a concert, sung by Schola Cantorum followed by cocktails. Speaking of cocktails, I had a delicious pear and cardamom cocktail last night at Angels. The sweet barman knocked 25% off too because I said I worked at the Jericho tavern.

Ash Wednesday...

I'm wearing horizontal stripes today. I can get away with them as I am svelte. Slender. Slim...I could go on...


I had a delicious warm sandwich from Alpha Bar in the Covered Market today. It had olive tapenade, marinated and grilled tofu and tomato salsa on rye spelte. It was delicious. It also cost around £10 but it was worth it.

It may actually have only cost £2.95 but I am prone to exaggeration.

I really, really miss http://www.unicen.cam.ac.uk/catering/ul.html
I has the best Battenberg cake in Cambridge. And not just anaemic little slivers but f uck-off huge chunks. They used to employ a lot of people with Downs Syndrome and juveniles in the Tea Room as part of a make-work/welfare initiative. The Downs Syndrome workers would always be training the gormless Fen-bred locals on cash register usage. It was hilarious. One of the people they employed had Tourette's and it was great fun guessing if you were going to be told to 'f uck off' or not when you got your change back.

Some of the juveniles tried that on me but I got them sacked. F ucking pikies.

Currently listening to: Allegri's Miserere Mei (It IS Ash Wednesday).

This morning, I caught the crazy Belgian's even crazier sister's gormless boyfriend jerking off under the duvet in the living-room. I'm not judging him. I mean, we've all done it, right? I just didn't get caught...loser.

Some bint said I was vitriolic. Shocking.