Have you missed me?
Lordy, lordy...it has been a long time. I bet you, my loyal readers, have been distraught at my absence. Perhaps thinking that I was grievously ill or even dead. But no. Neither of those, you stupid fucks. I just couldn't be bothered. But now I can. You'd better put on your seatbelts; It's going to be a bumpy ride...
I bought myself a tiny, shiny (well, not shiny as it's brushed aluminum) iPod Shuffle. Perfect for the gym and for those long, sweaty runs I go on. The ones without the aid of laxatives. Did you see what I did there? Long runs, the shits...? Clever, eh? That's Cambridge for you...
Anyway, the temp in my office has just fallen off the turnip truck. Not only is he as thick as shit but he butts into every conversation with some inane, stupid comment. I'm going to get him sacked. Apparently, his knob is pierced too. What a cock. AND he walks like he's just been fucked up the ass. Which isn't inconceivable as he's a filthy homosexual.
Has anyone, you, perhaps, stolen someone's pants and used them for masturbatory purposes? Is it wrong to do this? Suppose the person in question (the victim of the theft, infact) is really HOT and really sweet (and suppose, hypothetically, that the pants had been worn earlier in the day whilst the person was doing some hard-core gym training and they were damp from the sweat. Hypothetically, I mean)? Does that justify the theft? I think it does.
I've met a load of really lovely people since Term began. Lets see...the French (2 HOT girls and a HOTTER guy), the bender American musicologist, the dyke American classicist (really very dyke), the bender Australian politician (HOT), the breeder South African who I thought had AIDS but turned out to just speak really ambiguously, the American bender politician, the HOT breeder medic with the gap in his teeth, the breeder ex-Yale person who uses my gym (and sweats like a pig), the breeder philosopher from All Souls, the undergraduate who is wavering between breeder and bender... etc...all lovely, lovely people...
I had a very informative conversation about anal penetration with some gayboys yesterday. Yes...very informative indeed. Not so much from their point of view but I learnt a lot about the kinky shit they get up to. They are clearly going to burn in hell.
I dined at High Table at Mansfield College last week. It was much better than I thought it was going to be. I mean, the College is so poor they don't have a pot to piss in, but they do themselves well when it comes to food and booze.
Oh, and I've taken up fencing. Really hard on the legs but the Kevlar kit is sexy.
Things I want to do soon:
Have a go on the helter-skelter in the Turbine Hall of the Tate Modern
See the Hockney exhibit
Have colonic irrigation (no still haven't done it)
Get new spectacles (I don't need new ones, I want new ones)
Go to Paris
Go to Barcelona/Madrid
Go to Iceland (the country not the shop)
Lick a perineum
There's a good chance I could fit those in between now and Christmas, no? Any takers?
I bought myself a tiny, shiny (well, not shiny as it's brushed aluminum) iPod Shuffle. Perfect for the gym and for those long, sweaty runs I go on. The ones without the aid of laxatives. Did you see what I did there? Long runs, the shits...? Clever, eh? That's Cambridge for you...
Anyway, the temp in my office has just fallen off the turnip truck. Not only is he as thick as shit but he butts into every conversation with some inane, stupid comment. I'm going to get him sacked. Apparently, his knob is pierced too. What a cock. AND he walks like he's just been fucked up the ass. Which isn't inconceivable as he's a filthy homosexual.
Has anyone, you, perhaps, stolen someone's pants and used them for masturbatory purposes? Is it wrong to do this? Suppose the person in question (the victim of the theft, infact) is really HOT and really sweet (and suppose, hypothetically, that the pants had been worn earlier in the day whilst the person was doing some hard-core gym training and they were damp from the sweat. Hypothetically, I mean)? Does that justify the theft? I think it does.
I've met a load of really lovely people since Term began. Lets see...the French (2 HOT girls and a HOTTER guy), the bender American musicologist, the dyke American classicist (really very dyke), the bender Australian politician (HOT), the breeder South African who I thought had AIDS but turned out to just speak really ambiguously, the American bender politician, the HOT breeder medic with the gap in his teeth, the breeder ex-Yale person who uses my gym (and sweats like a pig), the breeder philosopher from All Souls, the undergraduate who is wavering between breeder and bender... etc...all lovely, lovely people...
I had a very informative conversation about anal penetration with some gayboys yesterday. Yes...very informative indeed. Not so much from their point of view but I learnt a lot about the kinky shit they get up to. They are clearly going to burn in hell.
I dined at High Table at Mansfield College last week. It was much better than I thought it was going to be. I mean, the College is so poor they don't have a pot to piss in, but they do themselves well when it comes to food and booze.
Oh, and I've taken up fencing. Really hard on the legs but the Kevlar kit is sexy.
Things I want to do soon:
Have a go on the helter-skelter in the Turbine Hall of the Tate Modern
See the Hockney exhibit
Have colonic irrigation (no still haven't done it)
Get new spectacles (I don't need new ones, I want new ones)
Go to Paris
Go to Barcelona/Madrid
Go to Iceland (the country not the shop)
Lick a perineum
There's a good chance I could fit those in between now and Christmas, no? Any takers?
posted by OrlandoCatastrophic at Wednesday, November 08, 2006
4 Comments:
I haven't missed you.
Actually I have missed you.
Things in my life that bear some resemblance to your life:
I licked a perineum only last week. It tasted of gusset.
I am getting new eyeglasses this saturday. Boots are doing two for one.
I ate 500g of cashews whilst reading the paper and listening to radio 4 last night. The aftermath of this was not unlike colonic irrigation. I imagine.
I have not creamed myself over anybody's stolen pants. That would be shameful. Maybe you could wear them to a large social occasion that you will both be attending, say, sometime in late November? I bet that would make you hard.
Welcome back.
Come to the Hockney exhibit with me. We could even combine Hockney and those slides via a few drinks.
Stealing pants... that almost as bad as molesting someone who's passed-out in the same room as you...
Kiss my brown ring.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.
Nevermind that though, so long as you eventually return the pants it's not theft.
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