Weekend, Book 1
The weekend has flown by.
Friday, I had the most horrific 'date' ever. The problem is, I got my hopes up...6'2, blond, muscular, blue eyes. I mean, how hot is that? Well, not terribly, really. I prefer dark hair but everyone expects blond and blue-eyed to be attractive so I suppose it is, by default. Anyway, rocked up to the appointed place at the appointed time and almost hurled.
6'2: yes
blond: yes
muscular: yes
blue eyes: yes
What the fucker neglected to mention was the DUVET of FAT covering said muscular frame. The thing is, it was a shock but I thought to myself "well, he might be really witty and amusing and charming". How fucking wrong was I? I gave it two hours of my very precious and in demand time and legged it.
Saturday: Went to the Duke of Cambridge for a few cocktails with Annie and Alice. Very pleasant despite being very crowded. There should be an undergrad hour and a happy hour and never the twain shall meet. We sat in a booth...me in the middle, a honey on either side. It was hot. I felt just like a RAP star. All I need now is a few bullet wounds and my transformation will be complete. I'd like to thank my manager and all the fans who bought my records. I'd like to thank my mamma for believing in me but most of all, I'd like to thank God without whom, none of this would have been possible. Peace out.
BANG, BANG!!!
As I was returning to the bar, laden with cocktails, I heard someone say "He was at Cambridge!". I turned to look and it was John! John and I lived in the same building in Newnham for a while. He's very pleasant and I really fancied him that year. I'd often hear him on the phone arguing with his girlfriend. Oh, if only he'd known how happy I could have made him. He was in town for the day with his girlfriend who was an undergrad at Oxford. He's now a solicitor in London and is still HOT.
Anyway, after cocktails we went to Jamals for dinner. Jamals is popular with large groups of students. There were large groups of students there on Saturday night. Oh yes...an entire boat club. They were noisy and twattish and did press-ups next to our table. However, nothing could prepare me for the sight of one of their number hurling into an empty water jug. It was fucking disgusting. I was ready to wretch.
The table next to ours was occupied by two miserable looking women. We thought they were on a date but the fact that they spoke not one word to one another made me think otherwise. If it was a date, it was worse than mine on the previous day. One of them kept glaring at the boaties and the other just kept shovelling curry into her cave-like mouth.
At the end of the meal, the waiter brought over some complimentary ice-cream. It wasted like a Glade Plug-in. For the third time in two days, I almost hurled. It was quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I've ever tasted. It wasn't even so bad that it was good. It went Wwwwaaaayyyy beyond that. It crossed the line that is rarely crossed. Indeed, it crossed the line that should NEVER be crossed.
After dinner we went back to the lovely Annie's room to drink some wine and listen to some tunes. Annie and I have the same taste in men and music. Weird. We could be the same person.
Afterwards, we went to Po Na Na (against my will, I wanted to go to a mates party in Iffley Road but Alice was a bit worse for wear and was in danger of choking on her own vomit). So, crap club it was. I managed to avoid Po Na Na in Cambridge for 5 years but my record is now blemished. Po Na Na was quiet but filled up pretty quickly. Lots of tarty girls and townie boys. I did, however, see one of the few women I'd go breeder for.
After Po Na Na, Annie and I went off to Love Bar in King Edward Street where we proceeded to chat-up the bartender (Steve) who told us where he lived. I wasn't sure if he was being friendly or inviting us around for a 3some. On the dancefloor, a guy came up to me an said, "I know you!". "Erm...?" I thought (I'm very coherent when I'm drunk). "Yeah, you know Ed F____h". I do know the Ed in question. We were DIRTY in Lincoln MCR once. I don't remember meeting this guy though. Anyway, we chatted briefly and then he lurched off.
On leaving the bar, Annie and I realised we were hungry and went to Hassan's in Broad Street. Hassan's was thronged with people. There were throngs of people. Throng was the order of the day. Annie chatted up an lovely boy in an even lovelier suit, sadly, he was just in town for his much less attractive brother's birthday.
Finally stumbled home at 3 and fell into bed.
Woke up feeling like death but managed to carry myself off to chapel.
Currently listening to: Daddy Wasn't There by Ming Tea
Currently looking: uber clean-shaven
Friday, I had the most horrific 'date' ever. The problem is, I got my hopes up...6'2, blond, muscular, blue eyes. I mean, how hot is that? Well, not terribly, really. I prefer dark hair but everyone expects blond and blue-eyed to be attractive so I suppose it is, by default. Anyway, rocked up to the appointed place at the appointed time and almost hurled.
6'2: yes
blond: yes
muscular: yes
blue eyes: yes
What the fucker neglected to mention was the DUVET of FAT covering said muscular frame. The thing is, it was a shock but I thought to myself "well, he might be really witty and amusing and charming". How fucking wrong was I? I gave it two hours of my very precious and in demand time and legged it.
Saturday: Went to the Duke of Cambridge for a few cocktails with Annie and Alice. Very pleasant despite being very crowded. There should be an undergrad hour and a happy hour and never the twain shall meet. We sat in a booth...me in the middle, a honey on either side. It was hot. I felt just like a RAP star. All I need now is a few bullet wounds and my transformation will be complete. I'd like to thank my manager and all the fans who bought my records. I'd like to thank my mamma for believing in me but most of all, I'd like to thank God without whom, none of this would have been possible. Peace out.
BANG, BANG!!!
As I was returning to the bar, laden with cocktails, I heard someone say "He was at Cambridge!". I turned to look and it was John! John and I lived in the same building in Newnham for a while. He's very pleasant and I really fancied him that year. I'd often hear him on the phone arguing with his girlfriend. Oh, if only he'd known how happy I could have made him. He was in town for the day with his girlfriend who was an undergrad at Oxford. He's now a solicitor in London and is still HOT.
Anyway, after cocktails we went to Jamals for dinner. Jamals is popular with large groups of students. There were large groups of students there on Saturday night. Oh yes...an entire boat club. They were noisy and twattish and did press-ups next to our table. However, nothing could prepare me for the sight of one of their number hurling into an empty water jug. It was fucking disgusting. I was ready to wretch.
The table next to ours was occupied by two miserable looking women. We thought they were on a date but the fact that they spoke not one word to one another made me think otherwise. If it was a date, it was worse than mine on the previous day. One of them kept glaring at the boaties and the other just kept shovelling curry into her cave-like mouth.
At the end of the meal, the waiter brought over some complimentary ice-cream. It wasted like a Glade Plug-in. For the third time in two days, I almost hurled. It was quite possibly one of the most disgusting things I've ever tasted. It wasn't even so bad that it was good. It went Wwwwaaaayyyy beyond that. It crossed the line that is rarely crossed. Indeed, it crossed the line that should NEVER be crossed.
After dinner we went back to the lovely Annie's room to drink some wine and listen to some tunes. Annie and I have the same taste in men and music. Weird. We could be the same person.
Afterwards, we went to Po Na Na (against my will, I wanted to go to a mates party in Iffley Road but Alice was a bit worse for wear and was in danger of choking on her own vomit). So, crap club it was. I managed to avoid Po Na Na in Cambridge for 5 years but my record is now blemished. Po Na Na was quiet but filled up pretty quickly. Lots of tarty girls and townie boys. I did, however, see one of the few women I'd go breeder for.
After Po Na Na, Annie and I went off to Love Bar in King Edward Street where we proceeded to chat-up the bartender (Steve) who told us where he lived. I wasn't sure if he was being friendly or inviting us around for a 3some. On the dancefloor, a guy came up to me an said, "I know you!". "Erm...?" I thought (I'm very coherent when I'm drunk). "Yeah, you know Ed F____h". I do know the Ed in question. We were DIRTY in Lincoln MCR once. I don't remember meeting this guy though. Anyway, we chatted briefly and then he lurched off.
On leaving the bar, Annie and I realised we were hungry and went to Hassan's in Broad Street. Hassan's was thronged with people. There were throngs of people. Throng was the order of the day. Annie chatted up an lovely boy in an even lovelier suit, sadly, he was just in town for his much less attractive brother's birthday.
Finally stumbled home at 3 and fell into bed.
Woke up feeling like death but managed to carry myself off to chapel.
Currently listening to: Daddy Wasn't There by Ming Tea
Currently looking: uber clean-shaven
posted by OrlandoCatastrophic at Monday, October 17, 2005
1 Comments:
Alice was not worse for wear....LOL
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