Apologies...

for not posting in a while. I know you sad fuckers crave my frequent musings...

That was quite rude. I'm terribly sorry. I really value my readers. I'd value my readers more if they sent cash, though...

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...

Since I last posted, lots has been happening. There has been:

-An upset in London
-An awful lot of rowing
-A visit from an old friend
-A bonding session
-A wedding
-A barbecue
-A paint job
-A porn related injury

Not necessarily in that order.

Well, there were some bombs in London. That in itself is disturbing. What's more disturbing is that my parents and most of my 'friends' abroad waited until the weekend to ring to make sure I was still alive. In one case, a full week had elapsed before enquiries were made as to my welfare. Admittedly, I live in Oxford but I could have been in London on the fateful Thursday.

Rowing: really fucking tedious. My crew is no more attractive than it was the last time I posted. Also, they've entered a Regatta. I mean...what the fuck?! This rowing lark was supposed to be fun. Needless to say, I won't be rowing in the Regatta. I value my weekends too much.

A friend from Cambridge days was visiting last week. This was hugely tedious. I don't like being viewed as a cash-machine. 'Nuff said. I'm disappointed and saddened though, as I was really looking forward to seeing him. Twat. That same weekend, Odette and I bonded. Odette is just so damn funny. I love her so much. If only she had a cock. Odette is a fellow Candian. Her husband was at Law school with a mate of mine who is also Canadian (who was at Keble last year but is now working in London for a year). Anyway, Odette and her husband are moving back to Canadia tomorrow (AARRRGGGGHHHH!) which means there's one less non-odious person with whom I can have a laugh this summer. Hot Bescher, Tuvia, Odette...the fuckers always leave me.

Anyway, Odette came around for dinner last Sunday bearing champagne. CHAMPAGNE! We chatted, watched TV, had dinner and took a Jane Austen-esque turn around the garden before she looked at her watch and said "It's getting late and I still have to pack for my flight tomorrow (she was going to Israel for a week), is it safe for me to walk back to my place from here. Maybe you want to walk me back with your bike, then you can cycle home?"

I live in Jericho and she lives in Norham Gardens. I just looked at her and her toned, muscular arms.

"Wait...you've been trained in hand-to-hand combat by the Israeli army and you want me to walk you home in case you get attacked?!" I asked incredulously.

She's been fucking trained by the Israeli fucking army in hand-to-fucking-hand combat and she wants me to walk her home. What protection did she think I was going to offer? I can scream really loudly and of course, I did have my bike so I'd have been alright but Odette would have been on her own. Freak.

Being the gentleman I am, I did walk her home. Uneventfully...

On Friday, I attended the wedding of yet more Cambridge people. It was in London at the Royal Society of Art. It was very pleasant. I consumed more champagne in that one evening than I have in a long time. The venue was beautiful, the service itself was short and dinner was excellent. The bride's family who are Mormons had flown to London from Utah. They are easily, the best looking family I've ever seen. Both the men and the women were tall, slim, had perfect features, were sweet, charming etc...It was like looking in a mirror. It must be the clean living, no fun lifestyles they lead. No alcohol, no caffeine, in bed by 10, Jesus is their best friend etc...

I, of course, looked rather fabulous in my cream suit, pink shirt and tie. Very Gatsby...

Saturday was spend recovering.

Sunday: my housemate had some mad friend from London visiting for the day. We decided to have a barbecue in the garden. We chatted, ate, drank and made merry. 2 other 'friends' came too. One was an hour late and brought 1 tub of Ben & Jerry's (there were 6 of us present, and it was a crap flavour) and the other was so on time that we were still unloading the car when she arrived bearing 3 cans of Stella. Classy. Needless to say, the afternoon was tedious...

The outside of the house is being painted by marginally more attractive people than the roofers.

Too much porn is bad, It doesn't make you go blind or anything but you do get a sore cock. So I've been told.

Currently listening to: Nothing Compares 2 U by Prince. No, not Sinead O'Conner; PRINCE.

Currently wearing: flip-flops(!), jeans, shirt and a bored expression.

My 'friend' still hasn't told this guy he fancies that he fancies him. What to do?

I'm going to paint my bedroom next weekend. I'm thinking some shade of blue. I like blue.

Now listening to: Octobre by Francis Cabrel.

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